Drs. Visit

I had my “annual” visit yesterday.  This is a request from my disability insurance company.  I get the same answer from Dr. Pascuzzi – probably genetic but not much that can be done at this time.

There were none last visit but this time there were 2 interns.  I don’t remember their names but I do remember their faces (a problem I’ve struggled with forever) but I do remember what I was asked to remember – tree, golf ball, spaceship.  (The mind can be a weird place can’t it?)

Although difficult to talk, I told these interns what went on when this first happened.  I explained how frustrated I was, at times sobbing – how I was watching myself, and my life, day by day, slowly melt, like an ice cube – and all I could do was watch.

I took some physical tests; passing some but failing others.  I believe they were more to show what was broken than anything else as there is no treatment today.  “Maybe in 50 years,” the Dr. said.  He wasn’t trying to be a jerk but at this time the science or medicine doesn’t know what to do about.  Not being part of either, I would ask 1) Is something dying inside me and if so, is it being killed by something internal or external to me and can it be stopped? 2) Can I take something (like stem cells (from maybe my own skin so there is no rejection involved) or something else) to replace or grow something to replace what may be happening (like growing another arm as one of mine dies)? 3) With all the exotic animals being discovered in the ocean, can any of them help to either stop (or slow down) what may be happening in 1 above or to grow something to replace or add to what is missing in 2?

I wouldn’t mind being a guinea pig either to help myself (that would be ideal :) ) or others so that further human suffering can be halted.

On the drive home, I was asked “Ever wanted to just (she said “end it all” or something like that)?”  I asked her how and she said there was lot’s of info on the internet.

No Complaints

About what is ahead. We all go the way of the Dodo, right?  That’s not what’s on my mind these days.  I’ve had to accept my situation a lot earlier than I had planned (and it’s not really my plan anyway). I’m the youngest and felt good enough to last till at least 92!

But what’s eating at me is I’m more alone (and lonely) than I expected to be at this time of my life or in my present situation. Especially since I married into a family (at the young age of 39) that seemed to welcome me into their bosom with all the love I expected if I ever found that special someone to marry. You see, of all the siblings, I was the only one who hadn’t married.  Now I hadn’t planned it that way as I did have the opportunity several times to do so, but just never took that extra step.

Dara married first and on January 31, 1971, she had a beautiful baby girl named Bridgette Elizabeth Worrell. Unfortunately she married the wrong man, who beat her, and during Bridgette’s first year moved back in with our mom. I didn’t find out why for a while and it was a good thing as I was prepared to do a lot worse to him. She grew into a very beautiful woman and for a time we were friends.  I would hang out with her at her mom’s house as she had a pool.  (As far as I know, she still lives with her mom and as of this writing, she is 41.)  Her feelings changed (my marriage?) and won’t communicate with me as to what happened, when or why and her mother, who may know, won’t tell me either and I have to respect that even though it tears me up inside.

David married next (I could have this backwards with Dane as he married overseas so am not sure of the exact dates) to a girl he met after we moved to VA. Of us three boys, he was the handsome one so it’s no surprise he did marry, especially since he had no trouble getting a girl if he didn’t want to be alone. He was just born that way. They had a son and he found out during one of his tours to SE Asia (Thailand and Vietnam), that she had been cheating on him with possibly one or all of his 3 friends. He divorced and tried to keep track of his son, until in about ‘08, he had the chance to finally meet him (he got his location using the internet). When he saw him, he knew immediately who the father was. Not sure what he did with the monies he had been saving all these years or if he still stays in touch. I hope he does.  I remember him saying that it seemed the young man turned out ok.

Dane had joined the Navy. I don’t think he finished college (Ursinus) but he was close and like me, our mother couldn’t afford to pay his tuition so he joined up (and I want to say for 6 years - Dave joined the AF in May of ‘71 and I followed in June (3 weeks after I had graduated from Patton)). He married while he was stationed in Korea (he worked on crypto and radar – meaning he was smart in the way of math (yeah, he had gotten that gene) so he had a good job, and probably a good future. After 2 years of training in Virginia, he went first to Korea and then to Alameda in CA. It was about this time I moved to Oakland (across from B.A.R.T. and attended Laney College where I went on the G.I. Bill for 18 months) thinking I had a job working with David in Sept ‘75 (but I think Dane arrived earlier). I met his wife twice - once at their apartment, which she cleaned out during one of his deployments, and once in Daly City to deliver the divorce papers. (He actually bought a book and did it himself!)

Back to my story - in Nov. ‘08, six months after I started using a wheel chair full time, about 3 months after I stopped sleeping in our bed (the one I brought with me from CA) (I didn’t want to make a lot of noise just getting up in the night, possibly falling getting into the wheel chair, just to use the bathroom – so I started sleeping in one of the chaise lounge chairs in the living room), and about 1-½ years after being laid off from my job I had for almost 4 years (on my last Monday I was praised at the weekly meeting for the wonderful job I was doing albeit it was from home mostly (but I did attend this meeting); I was there Thursday night finishing up a new laptop for a salesman; and Friday was when I was let go).  Stephanie said the following to me one afternoon while we sat in the living room, probably watching the 42” TV (a  Father’s Day gift in ‘06 (don’t worry, she got a new computer for Mother’s Day which had a flat screen, the latest O/S for the home (Windows Media Center) and two DVD players, one a DVD-RW)

I’m not going to give in to you anymore

I’ve been doing it since Beech Hollow!

I was trying to absorb the meaning of those words and after a few moments I asked her, “what do you mean by that?”  All she did was get up and go into our “office” (which eventually became her bedroom when Bert and Alexis moved in (about Oct 31, ‘09) and took over our bedroom).

A few weeks passed and I asked her again what she meant.  (Maybe I was being too patient.) I thought she was happy (except for what was slowly happening to my life, I sure was) as she never let me know otherwise (and we had moved from there 12 years prior to that – and we lived here almost 4 years). Here’s a video about how I felt our relationship was all this time. (Hopefully it is still available and you may need to use Internet Explorer to view.)

I had some time to consider all this.  If she wasn’t happy, was that before or after we went to the bank to try to get a loan to build a house in Westfield?  (We picked this town because it was between both our jobs (I worked at CBSI in Sheridan and she worked at Cutler-Hammer in Castleton) and their school system seemed top-notch for Liz, who was about to enter the 9th grade.)  I wound up using my G.I. Bill (which had no down payment) as she said she had bad credit.  And further, if she still was unhappy, how come we moved to Zionsville to what proved to be a money pit (which we suspected)?  If I had any idea she was unhappy all these years, why would I sell my house to use as a down payment with someone who says they were unhappy and had been unhappy all this time? 

Even when we would have to figure out what to do about our latest situation, we would talk. If it involved Liz, we would talk it over but she would usually deliver the news. (I could deliver it but she just had a knack.  Mothers are like that aren’t they?)  For example

• Liz would come to the dinner table, eat and then say she had a stomach ache.  Going to her room to lie down.  She would be still for about 5 minutes and then she would be up watching TV and maybe laughing at whatever she was watching.  After doing this a few times, I told Stephanie she should talk to her since white lies can lead places she may not really want to go.  She may not even realize this is not ok.  Maybe even find out why she’s doing it or feel that she needs to do it, cause she sure didn’t need to with us.
• She said she was into Sunflowers so we planted some outside her bedroom window.  She took care of them but after a week or so she stopped, causing her mom or me to take over.  No big deal but we did plant them for her, if for no other reason than  to get her out of her room, which she was spending more and more time in.  She did read a lot but a computer, cable (HBO), VCR and a phone may have been too much.  Can’t say if she was spoiled but it was important that she have all the amenities.  After all she did keep up her grades.
• She lost her job at Walmart.  No big deal as we both have lost jobs before, even ones we wanted.  We’ll certainly help her find another if that’s what she wants.  She was working to help with her college tuition, even though we didn’t as yet know where that college was.
• She was in a car accident where she rear-ended another car. It was raining and she may not have understood what “safe following distance” meant.  We took care of it and she was sufficiently embarrassed which was a good lesson for her.
• She spilled some glue on the floor in her room. I think it was for a school project (but not real important). She was embarrassed to say anything but we took care of it so it wouldn’t become a problem for her or get bigger as time went on.  I didn’t want to have the carpet replaced if we ever sold the house (which I wound up doing anyway a few years later on our realtor’s advice).
• When she ran off with her boyfriend (Nathaniel) in 'May of ‘01 on Memorial Day weekend, she took the car we lent her for college and some other property that she had at school; we would have given her all that in the future as she attained some goals.  Calling the police, we found out that if they went after the car, whoever had it would be arrested and this would become part of their permanent record.  We decided not to pursue this and said goodbye to the officer.  We found her anyway living in Columbus, just using a different way.
• About a year after that she drove this car into the ground.  (Changing the oil and other upkeep usually helps.)  She came to her mom to have her cosign a loan for a new car, and against my better judgment, got it and became the proud owner of a Ford Escort (thanks to her daddy at the dealership).  A week or two later, she was driving in the rain and rear-ended a truck, totaling her new car.  We then found out a few days later that there was some snafu regarding her full coverage insurance and now she owed the dealership for the full price of the car (about $15,000).  Well, since she didn’t have any money, the cosigner was now on the hook.  We tried to take the insurance company to court as Liz swears she did all she needed to do.  The insurance agent conveniently “retired”, so we wound up at a dead end.  I don’t remember how much we paid but we started making payments.  This caused considerable tension and after a few more boyfriends, Liz wound up moving to Chicago.  I think I visited her once or twice but in the Spring of ‘04 was when I started feeling the affects of what I was to find out 3 years later was an incurable, untreatable disease (called MSA).  After 8 years, I am disabled, dependent on the good nature of those around me, which is usually very lacking these days, and just hanging around for my final countdown.

Tinnitus

I found out after I was diagnosed with MSA that I was probably suffering from Tinnitus as well.  I thought I just had super hearing (since I was a teenager) because I seemed to hear sounds even after it got quiet.  All this time it was just a whooshing sound and became more noticeable as my MSA progressed.

The Relatives

I will do my best to remember everyone but if I’ve left anyone out, don’t feel slighted.  I may have just run out of time.

Grandmom – Bloom

What I remember about her is

• she was a great cook – we ate a lot of Thanksgiving dinners at her house
• she kept it neat too even though outside her lawn was brown as it was always “raining” soot from the local steel mill - when we visited, our car may have been clean when we arrived but when we left (usually 4-6 hours later), we could write our names on the hood.
• always had a smile and seemed genuinely happy to see everyone.

Died 1988 (at 88?).  Lived in MD but did move from Sparrows Point.

Grandpa – Bloom

Most of what I remember about him was he did great needlepoint.  Pillow cases, sheets, towels, etc., he had a great eye for detail.  He was amazing.  I wish I was older so I could have gotten to know him better.

Grandma – “Mumzie” Dawson

All I really remember is

• She was very fat – obese doesn’t quite cover it.  She slept on the couch (sort of) with her knees on the floor and face down on the cushions.  All I remember it was hard for her to get around.
• I learned a lot of card games there – Rook, Pinochle, Canasta, Hearts.  I don’t ever remember playing poker, which I learned from my dad.
• First and last time I got stung by a bee.  I was very young and running through the yard.  I got stung on one of my fingers and it swelled up and I cried my head off for a few minutes.  The pain subsided and the cold compress that Mumzie gave me turned it into a memory by the time we went home.

Cousin – Melvin ‘Dale’ Dawson

Lived for a long time in China (where he met his wife, Lulu).  Has a son, Trey, who is 4 or 5.  Now lives in FL, expecting to grow an orchard.  I probably haven’t seen him in about 45+ years.

Grandpa Dawson

I really don’t remember much about him but when he died (I was young).  I do remember how David was bitten by fleas when he slept on a mattress that was kept on their back porch.  Oh, there was an incident with my dad when he returned from his dad’s funeral regarding his missing license.  I think I wrote about it in another article so I won’t bore you and repeat it here.

Bruce Calvert Dawson

He had many jobs (Army, milkman, insurance salesman) throughout his life.  His last was he managed a bowling lane called Center Lanes (aka City Line probably because the shopping center next to it was called the City Line Center).  He taught me how to bowl at age 4.  He wouldn’t let us play the pinball machines.  He told me it was like gambling.  Pool was ok.  Hailed from MD which may explain the origin of his middle name (and mine).  Born Oct 14, 1924 and died Dec 12, 1965 (bronchitis) after being bedridden for about a year.  They used x-rays to dry up the mucous build-up in his lungs.  Buried in a cemetery (I never knew where) in Philadelphia which I never revisited but wanted to if I ever got back East.  He also married my mom twice.  He strayed with Vera(?) (about 6 months) who seemed nice.

Muriel Jane Dawson (nee Bloom)

Before retiring, she worked for the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture.  Was at the Forest Service before that (where I first heard of Smokey, The Bear).  In all, worked in government service about 30 years (and got a pin at her retirement, which I attended).  Her family lived in MD too but not sure where/how my folks met.  Born Oct 2, 1926 and died Nov 9, 2004 (after complications from surgery) in a hospice located in Richmond, CA.  At her request she was cremated but what happened to her ashes was never revealed by her executor, our sister Dara.

Dane Bruce

Most of his work life was as a printer but he’s done other things.  For example, he had a good paying job after the Navy but got in a car accident which almost ended his life and couldn’t work for more than a year.  He worked for a while for the Church of Scientology.  He now lives with his girlfriend and no longer works.  Born Dec 6,1949 and currently lives in IN.

Dara Lynn – married name Worrell

Independent and working for herself as a transcriptionist.  Owns and cares for horses.  Born Aug 31, 1951 and currently lives in Southern CA (but may have moved to NC).

Bridgette Elizabeth Worrell

My only niece born Jan 31, 1971 and currently living with her mom.

David Wayne

Is a machinist by trade and has been inspecting parts for errors for at least the past decade.  Born Sep 27, 1952 and currently lives in IN.

Drew Calvert

Worked somewhere in the IT field since about 1985, which I got more and more involved in when at my first law firm.  Disabled with MSA.  Original onset 2004 and diagnosed 2007, when I was considered disabled by my job and let go.  Born Oct 14, 1953 and currently lives in IN.

Most of our relatives slowly became estranged to us kids, especially when we moved West in the 70s.  I think the only ones we stayed in touch with were on my mom’s side.  (My grandmother visited us in CA (twice?) before she died in ‘88.  My mom usually visited her in MD.)  Here is a list of those I remember or who I found out about later.  I confirmed some of this but again, you’ll have to excuse my fuzzy memory.

Aunt Vickie and Uncle George Gordon Dawson (the oldest)

I don’t remember much about her except our visits were always very happy and I enjoyed my time spent with all my cousins.  She was a great cook too.  Was she a native of another country (Egypt)?  He was an engineer who played some excellent electric organ music semi-professionally. He may have died shortly after his brother Bruce (my dad) from a heart attack.

Cousin - Denise Dawson

I don’t remember much about her except I had a huge crush.  I didn’t really know all the ins and outs but my heart would skip a beat whenever she was around.  Retired from a publishing business she started and now lives in FL.

Cousin - Yvette Dawson

We became pen pals when I was at Patton.  I remember eagerly anticipating her letters and hoped she enjoyed mine.  I wish I still had them.

Cousin - Bruce Dawson

What I remember the most about him was our time fishing.  He was the only one I ever did that with.  He was a good friend.

Keith Dawson

Son of Bruce (first cousin once removed?).  I connected with him through Facebook.  I wish there was still time to meet and get to know him.

Aunt Shirley and Uncle Ben Bloom

Lived across the street from Uncle Gordon.  Only seemed to visit them during holidays and they had two sons, Bennie and Raymond. 

Aunt Shirley (nee Bloom) and Uncle Rick

We would visit during the holidays but more often after my dad died.  I remember Uncle Rick would let Scott sit on his lap and take a drink of his beer.  I don’t think he ever got him drunk though.  I don’t remember what he did for a living and may have died at a young age.  I believe Aunt Shirley is still alive as well as their two children.  All three either still live in MD or moved to VA.  At one time had her email address (about 10 years ago).

Cousin – Kathleen Faith – married name Fuka

I think she’s either in VA or MD.  Has a cleaning service with her husband.  Likes the Ravens (NFL) team.

Cousin – Scott

Her brother.  I think he may live in VA.

Just want to know what happened and why …

Like with everything in life, you just can’t go back and have a do over as much as you would like to.  I guess I was depending on something too much that I probably shouldn’t have.  The friendship I thought I had with my wife would get me through the unknown things I would encounter in this new life I thought I was carving out for myself and those who were to become a part of it.

What I knew I would need the most help with was her family.  I had never met or even heard of her Indiana family except through the letters she wrote the preceding year.  I had met her daughters for about 20 seconds in 1988 in Tucson on a vacation I took there as they went off to bed.  They probably don’t  even remember much about me as they were sleepy and we just said Hi.  I didn’t see them again (or Stephanie and Gary) for almost 5 years.  At the time I sure wasn’t expecting I ever would and if I did, when or under what circumstances.

I guess since I had stepped off a pretty deep precipice I had the faith and belief that whatever I didn’t understand would be explained to me as we went along and we would go from there.  If anyone, especially her kids, ever felt they couldn’t say something to me directly, they would’ve at least said something to their mother and then she and I could talk it over and decide how to proceed.  That certainly rarely happened, or at least a lot less than I thought it would.  What I thought was going on was that she and I were on the same page and that she agreed with pretty much everything I was saying or doing and if that was not the case that we would talk about it.  We certainly talked about a lot of things, her family being a big part.

I left my family and friends hanging.  I’m sure my decision to not just marry but move to Indiana! must have come out of the blue to all of them.  Not only did I believe she loved me but this move was an answer to a prayer.  I was unsure about my future – I wanted more training on computers as well as the network (Banyan); I seemed to not be up to speed on many things I should and my boss was a micromanager.  (I really liked everyone at HEWM though.)  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I wasn’t happy being alone.  I felt I would be a good husband and father if I ever got the chance.

I hadn’t meant to but I must have burned all my bridges too.  I didn’t communicate with my family and friends as much as I probably should have.  I smiled when I would get a birthday or Christmas card from anyone but I didn’t act on it for what I see now was a very stupid reason:  jealously.  I had a picture of my friends (the girls I worked with at HEWM or came to my reception at my mother’s house (I really didn’t have any guy friends, except for my ex-boss’ husband Reg who I rode motorcycles with sometimes and Lawrence, who married a dear friend of mine I met at T&T and who became a dear friend in spite of what I was feeling)) Barbara, Laura, Heidy and Lillian, everyone exclaimed how pretty they were.

In past relationships, if another woman came into the picture for any reason, I would get berated.  I guess I didn’t want my wife to think I had unfinished business in CA (even though I sort of did – but maybe a post for another time) so I would just smile and not make a big deal.  I see now I should’ve been responding, refreshing those bonds, instead of thinking that friendships were like the plates those Chinese acrobats on Ed Sullivan got spinning – once you were a friend … well you’re certainly always someone you know but just stay in touch will ya!