What I think about these issues
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Thursday, July 29, 2010
What This Feels Like
Well, it’s not easy to describe but I’ll try. Bear with me.
A normal person is like this
Their hoses are all gushing water as they should. These allow you to move around, well, normally. Imagine if the water is slowing being shut off and the number of hoses are cut down. That’s me.
You can appreciate some of what I’m going through if you look at this video. I will post other links as I find them. http://www.bible-medicine.com/ Look at ones on MSA. They are somewhat older but they shed some light on what’s going on with me rather than on what to do for me.
Standing up I can do with some difficulty. It feels a little like I am on stilts; I’m unsure how to stand, therefore I don’t walk. If you hold me by my arm or shoulders, I might be able to for a while.
I am a member of http://www.psp.org/. So far I’ve attended some informative webinars which have been good about telling me what’s going inside me but so far not a treatment or cure that will put me on a road that goes somewhere rather than nowhere.
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and even cry uncontrollably. I don’t know what or how to feel.
I think what needs to be done is to come up with whatever will melt or dissolve the glue that seems to be gumming up the works (my brain). Once that is working again, my body can take care of the rest.
Are YOU Afraid of the Dark?
I used to be. Not sure why or when it happened. I just was. Sending me to bed first was what my folks hoped would be the cure. Now there was nothing there but I imagined there were monsters under my bed, in the closet and generally any room with the lights out. I would turn down my bed and with my hand on the light switch, run to my bed as soon as I flipped it off. Under the covers, I was safe.
I really don’t remember how long I was like this or when it finally stopped but one day I could even sit in my closet, with the door shut, and not feel afraid.
Compared to others I met, I found there was not much I did fear. Spiders, snakes, heights, water and I hoped even death. I was afraid of diving into a swimming pool for almost a year when I did a belly flop on a dive and really stung my chest. The next summer I finally did manage a dive and I was fine ever since.
I used to climb buildings and trees and not be fearful looking down. I remember even having a recurring dream as a child where I would get back a few steps and then run at full speed off a cliff. I would, always waking before I reached the bottom. I remember being told by somebody that if I hit bottom, I would be dead.
The Dawson Clan !
Immediate
Bruce Calvert – got me started with bowling at 4. I sort of liked it but liked it more a few years later as my skill progressed. I hated those gutter balls! He was an imposing figure and I had a lot of respect for him. I hoped that someday I would be like him. At the time I was very skinny and he was 6’ and about 200.
Muriel Jane (nee Bloom) – she was strict when she had to be but didn’t have a mean bone. I loved her dearly and hoped that she knew that.
Dane Bruce – is very smart but didn’t seem to have been around when they were passing out the common sense. At least that’s what we always teased him about. He pretty much kept to himself except when David got in his space.
Dara Lynn (Worrell – married ‘71) – she liked to be left alone. I got the impression that she resented being the only girl.
David Wayne – he liked to get in all our faces but did grow out of it. He would punch me in the arm, tease Dara any way he could and get under Dane’s skin at every opportunity. When he went to Patton, I think he got a taste of his own medicine. He always seem to come to my rescue when I attended a year later.
Cousins – Really liked it when we visited our cousins in Maryland.
Denise – admired her for starting a company. Too bad the greedy bastards of Wall Street and the banks caused her’s and many others to fold.
Yvette – really enjoyed writing to her while I was at Patton. It took my mind off my dreary surroundings for a little while and I think helped me mature (grow wiser) a little bit anyway.
Bruce – just remember fishing with him to catch “sunnies”. I don’t ever remember keeping or eating them as I don’t know how to scale a fish.
Niece – Dara’s only and the only although it was close for a time with David until he took a vacation to confirm.
Bridgette Elizabeth Worrell – we both liked Duran Duran and sunbathing. She was fun to be with
Words of Wisdom
A man does what has to be done, or he tries.
That's the only way a man can live, or die.
Mowing the lawn
I would mow the lawn with our tractor mower and all seemed fine. Until I got off. Then it would be like I just got off a schoolyard merry-go-round.
Almost would fall over and had to hang onto the mower. This would pass after a few minutes. Then I could empty the clippings onto the burn pile. This all got worse. Either it would happen sooner, take me longer to recover or the “merry-go-round” effect would be worse.
WHAT A Qvestion !
Q’s or comments made to me by wife since she told me “I’m not going to give into you anymore. I’ve been doing it since Beech Hollow.” We bought a house in Westfield http://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF8&hl=en&hq=&hnear=Zionsville,+Indiana&ll=39.950873,-86.261937&spn=0.113435,0.307274&z=12 in ‘95 and moved in 5/96. Well, I bought a house. I finally spent my GI Bill and she said she had a bad credit history.
Is your talking getting worse or are you not trying anymore? I can’t understand you from the other room.
Stuff …!
For some reason, I’ve always extended my pinky when drinking. Here’s the muscle responsible http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extensor_digiti_minimi_muscle
I could fall asleep in almost any position. I was even able to sleep at my school desk with an open book, looking as though I was reading. When the teacher would walk by, I would stir, acting as though I had actually been reading.
I could tell if something was magnetic or could be magnetized. I would just hold it between my eyes and that area would tingle. The stronger the magnetic pull, the more intense the tingle.
Our story
This how we met and eventually married.
At the end of ‘73 or beginning of ‘74, I was living on Montecito street in Tucson. It was 4, sometimes 5 GIs. We were all stationed at the local AF base, DMAFB http://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tab=wl. Lots of good times. Pool outside. It was a duplex. A couple moved in next door from Indiana (I found out later). They seemed nice. He (Gary) was about 26 and she was my age, 20. I remember I was a little jealous because she very attractive and seemed to be fun. He was well, older. He was a nice guy too; all was good. At that point I hadn’t been on a date let alone much else. We all got along. Swimming in the pool. Having barbecues. Generally just having parties on my meager GI salary.
I was Honorably Discharged in June ‘74 and bought a car from a friend (Gary Vissering), and with $100 in my pocket and a mutt named Blue, I headed East in October. I think I was seeking my destiny or some shit like that. The joke was that we were called Me and Drew and a dog named Blue.
But I digress … The next time I saw Stephanie, except for just some incidental visits, was in 1988. I was living in the Bay Area in El Cerrito http://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tab=wl. At that time, I only drove my car for errands. BART was so easy to take. I took a vacation on my 650 Yamaha Turbo and stayed with Mark & Pam Staszak. Stephanie married Gary and had two girls: Alexis (11) and Elizabeth (6). I met them both for about 30 seconds and then they went off to bed. I remember visiting Stephanie at her job at the local paper. I think her main job was editing the TV Guide. It was pretty cool and she really seemed to enjoy it.
The next time I went on vacation to Tucson was in 1990. I had a new Olds Cutlass Supreme and it was burgundy. Stephanie et al had moved back to Indiana and I heard from Pam that they had divorced. About two years later, Pam mentioned to both of us that we should write each other. Nothing more than that crossed my mind as I couldn’t see living in the snow/cold again, growing up back East. But writing sure seemed innocent enough. Well, the more we wrote, the more we wrote. After about a year, we decided it was time to take a vacation so I spent three weeks in Indianapolis starting 4th of July weekend of ‘93. I arrived on Friday, about 5PM on the 2nd. We kissed for the first time at the airport and we both commented that it seemed that everything and everyone disappeared while we kissed. This was the first of a lot of magical moments. Well, I stayed on her couch at http://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tab=wl during this visit and we didn’t even become intimate for almost a week. I guess I wanted (and it was her wish too) to make sure that this wasn’t just physical and that we both wanted and were ready to take the next step. I was there until the 25th and I’m sure we just did it twice. Not bad for someone who hadn’t had any for almost 5 years. I thought I showed admirable restraint.
Interesting Websites
The Obama Deception
http://www.obamadeception.net http://www.archive.org/details/The_Obama_Deception
Am I Trustworthy
http://www.archive.org/details/AmITrust1950
The Time I Was A Member Of A Gang
I know. When I look back it’s hard for me to believe it too. But it involved no tats. I didn’t have to murder anyone. I only had to be white and hate blacks. The first I definitely was but the second I wasn’t sure of. I thought I might since a group stole my bike one day right from in front of my house. It was a birthday gift from my dad and chasing them didn’t get it back. The “gang” hung out down at Cobbs Creek Park not far from where I lived on Kent Road (http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=Cobbs+Creek+Park,+Philadelphia,+Pennsylvania&sll=39.947613,-75.240182&sspn=0.026452,0.076818&g=Cobbs+Creek,+Philadelphia,+Pennsylvania&ie=UTF8&hq=Cobbs+Creek+Park&hnear=Cobbs+Creek+Park,+Philadelphia,+Pennsylvania+19151&ll=39.970674,-75.261068&spn=0.026443,0.076818&z=14) and would throw stones across the creek at anyone not resembling us. I was a member for about 3 months (the summer of ‘66). I think mostly because I was looking for something to do since this was the first Summer without my dad. Well, one day I decided to walk home. This involved walking down the tracks by the creek to the Marshall Road, climbing up the side to it and walking the short distance to my house on Kent Road.
The Fam
Well, here are what I have so far. Hopefully will eventually be able to include all.
Well, Me 10-14-53
Dane Bruce (brother) 12-6-49
David Wayne (brother) 9-27-52
Dara Lynn (Worrell married name) (sister) 8-29-51
Bridgette Elizabeth (niece) 1-31-71
Bruce Calvert (dad) 10-14-23?
Muriel Jane (née Bloom) (married name Waters) 10-2-26?
William (Bill) E. Waters – stepdad – never knew when his birthday was
Denise Dawson (cousin) Dawson2236@aol.com
Bruce Dawson (cousin)
Yvette Dawson (cousin) yvettebeam@comcast.net
Keith Dawson (cousin Bruce’s son) keif-la@hotmail.com
Cousins Benny & Raymond
Mel Saunders (cousin Dale) ssrekees@yahoo.com
Carol Mobray (cousin?) Carolmowbray@aol.com
Bumps and bruises
As a young man
pinkies look like a Y when I put them together
ear ache in left ear
swing into bridge of nose.
fell one story from school house I was climbing on and landed flat on my back
smacked front teeth on floor causing me to lose two
hit with a baseball in chin which clapped my teeth together and knocked out third tooth at gum line (crown)
cut half my nail off on ring finger with my dad’s razor blade
bike accident on schoolyard
rocks on left side of head
broken right wrist while riding horse
As an adult
fainting in AF
black widow spider bite
landed on head diving into pool
sunburn (twice) boat (was seasick too) and motorcycle
People you trust
I trusted my dad. When I lost him at 12, I didn’t know who or where to always turn. I did turn to my mom; sometimes I turned to my siblings. I had a few friends I would talk to but it was hard for me to trust as much as I probably should have. I figured most comments from others would just show and tell me their own ideas of how things should be. Of course that’s true but it made me hesitate. As I got older, things turned around in that most of what others said became a good idea. Listening to what others said really confused me, especially if it conflicted with what I was thinking. Where does one go when there is no one besides yourself anymore? My friends in CA are there and I shouldn’t and don’t expect too much from just due to geography alone. My friends here, well certainly my brothers too, seem to be avoiding me I think because they have issues in their own lives to see what this schmuck is into. I haven’t seen Dane since last August. I’ve gotten two emails from him. the last an address for a home in Lafayette. What he probably doesn’t know is what I make each month less than they want for the price of admission. I was hoping that I would go to the Masonic Homes (now Village) in PA as it was right across from Patton. http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=Masonic+Village-Elizabethtown,+PA&sll=39.950873,-86.261937&sspn=0.105802,0.307274&ie=UTF8&hq=Masonic+Village-&hnear=Elizabethtown,+PA&ll=40.142993,-76.611786&spn=0.024736,0.076818&z=14 Poetic? Ironic? Maybe. I applied there first in November, 2008. Dane helped me fill out the application and then mailed it.
Where they are now
I haven’t heard from brother David since around Halloween last year when I gave him my computer and other miscellaneous hardware. The last thing I said to him is if he would consider having me as a roommate. I asked him if he could smoke outside as that might compromise my breathing. I would think that was why he decided not to go that route.
Bad habits
I started smoking at around 12 after my dad died. I hung around with the wrong crowd. I joined a "gang" with no name. They sat around mostly smoking and complaining about the n_ _ _ _ _s and how we should stone or beat them all. No reason given. I went along with this attitude for a few months but became tired of the tension that seemed to pervade the group and the weird way it made me feel. I was all about finding myself but not at the risk of losing my life or inflicting harm on others. In fact, it took me to a hard lesson in life. I was walking home from a "meeting" for what I knew was the last time. I walked home as I usually did, along the creek on the railroad tracks, heading for the overpass to walk up to Marshall Road and then home. http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=Upper+Darby,+292+Kent+Road,+PA&sll=39.950873,-86.261937&sspn=0.113172,0.307274&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=292+Kent+Rd,+Upper+Darby,+Delaware,+Pennsylvania+19082&ll=39.95658,-75.255082&spn=0.007073,0.019205&z=16
The concrete incline (you’ve seen them when you go under an overpass on the highway) was the best way to get to the top. Today, it seemed the fastest way too. Before reaching this I was met by several young black guys who just seemed to appear from behind some bushes. Maybe 6 or 8, but don’t honestly remember. Imagine this skinny white boy, about 5’5” wearing a thin, grey jacket seemingly surrounded (a few feet away anyway) by several guys who was wondering what he was doing on their turf. One of them asked me if I had any money and all I had on me was a nickel and a book of matches stuffed in my jacket pocket. Now imagine this skinny kid (I wasn’t even 100 lbs yet), confronted by a group of strangers who were probably not liking this kid in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, the next thing I heard was “I’ll give you 5 …” I think my heart raced and I took off running towards the underpass. When I reached it I was on all fours climbing as fast as I could.
My best friend at the time was considered a bad influence by my mother. She was probably right. His name was Bill Rugh.
Bitch, Piss, Moan
This will probably just amount to a rant so bear with me would ya? It is subject to change as I or my opinions do.
Leaving debt to our children or grandchildren. What’s wrong with that? Maybe if we do it long enough, one day we’ll turn around and realize the world we want for our children and ourselves exists and we are part of it. THEN we can stop worrying about this issue and start living. You can’t let yourself be minimalized by debt if its incurred for the right reasons. 30% interest rates! Let’s talk about THAT you greedy bastards!!
Relationships – Where Are They Now?
Dane
I never met Dane’s girlfriend and I’ve always tried to give the benefit of the doubt and not get judgee too early (least not till I’ve met them). Here’s an email I got one time from her (is her name).
----- Original Message -----
From: Drew
Sent: Saturday, August 22, 2009 2:46 PM
Subject: did this work?
J
DCal
++++++++++++++++++++
Dane just sent you an email and I just got home.. He is not a tech person like we are. Half of the time he doesn't carry his phone or check it and 99% of the time he doesn't check email. While I am glued to my phone and computer. This is the first time he has opened his email in months. He says that when he came over to your house he took the trash out every wednesday, chased after the dog that was unleashed to get a stool sample for the vet, moved furniture, etc. I don't care if he comes over there and watches a movie, etc., but it's really hard for him to do household chores, etc. especially before work.
He was hospitalized a few weekends ago for having a very very high sugar level (800+, normal is under 150) and very low sodium level. He was extremely dehydrated and they gave him numerous bags of IV fluids. He was in the VA all weekend and finally allowed to go home on a Sunday. He is now insulin dependent (shots) and on a different blood pressure medicine. He is also on a CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He's doing ok, but I just don't want him to overdo it.
The one car that we have, the engine overheated and we weren't able to save it in time. We had to get the engine replaced. My piece of crap car that I drive has had multiple problems too. We are usually down to only one car on the weekends. I work weekends and Thursdays delivering pizzas for pizza hut. I go to school on Mondays and Wednesdays. So he doesn't have a car on Saturday and Sunday most of the time and Fridays we have been going to the VA. Hopefully we can stop by and see you sometime soon.
-(Name Deleted
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My annotated reply to her. Tried to remove as much duplication as I could. No reply from her on this either.
I hope we can overcome these misunderstandings. I always have looked after Dane’s well-being.
Hope to see you both soon. J
DrDOS/DCal
From: [mailto:]
Sent: Saturday, August 22, 2009 6:39 PM
To: Drew
Subject: Re: did this work?
He says that when he came over to your house he took the trash out every wednesday, He rolled the can up to the house so wife could fill it. That was Tuesdays.
chased after the dog that was unleashed to get a stool sample for the vet, Couldn’t have been more than once. I don’t think he had to chase either.
moved furniture, etc. What furniture?
…
-Name Deleted
When I finally saw Dane later that month he said that was just her. Huh? I suggested he should set her straight. It’s almost a year and haven’t seen either of them.
I guess
this may be it. I won’t hurt myself or anyone else, so I guess I should just leave. What a finish huh!
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