Wasn’t quite what I expected

I guess I thought as most folks that in my waning years I would be cared for and loved as I thought I loved others.  If I retired or had physical/mental challenges that others would be there to lend a helping hand as I figured I would be.  I haven’t found out why yet but for some reason that didn’t work out for me.

I never saw this coming.  I was always reassured by the family I married into that all was fine.  There were some bumps in the road, as in anyone’s life, but I was never led to believe I wasn’t loved or that the love I gave wasn’t for naught.

Did it take this disease, MSA, to bring out what has happened or would things have worked out this way anyway, I don’t know.  In November, 2008, we had just purchased a new sofa.  We had several recliners up until that time and replaced them.  It was an L-shaped cloth sofa with four seats that reclined and two that also had cup holders.  It was a good fit for our space.  As with most of the decisions that concerned how something looked, that was usually done by the wife.  Not that I had bad taste but as I was color deficient (not blind as I could see color, I just needed more light than most), and from time to time would wear mismatched socks, I thought it best to leave decisions like that up to her.

Well, we were sitting on our new sofa.  We could have been watching our 42” flat screen TV (my father’s day present in 2006 – her’s was a new computer for mother’s day), I don’t remember.  She said

I’m no longer going to give into you

I’ve been doing it since Beech Hollow

I thought about that for a moment and then I said “what does that mean?”  She got up, left the room and went into our “office” where we both had desks, computers, etc.  My mind was racing at that point – I had been using the wheelchair mostly at that point (the last 5 months) as I would take a few steps and fall down; felt kind of like the stick figures at a Colts game after a TD and they would turn off the fans.

It was also about 17 months after being diagnosed (which took them 3+ years) and about 18 months since I signed my POA, which I guess I didn’t understand as I thought it was only to prevent my being forced to stay alive via a feeding tube (we were discussing the Terri Schiavo case one night during supper).

I also thought about “Beech Hollow” which was where we first lived 12+ years ago.  She had never shown or told me anything that would lead me to believe that she was doing anything other than what she wanted to do.  For example

• She quit smoking.  She had a hysterectomy to do it but did in September, 1996.  I had never asked her to but always did say I thought it was a good idea.  I had 10+ years earlier but for different reasons.  (I was very skinny (130 lbs @ 6’ tall).  I was trying to put on weight.  I gained about 50# the first 6 months.)
• She bought me as a surprise Xmas gift in 1999 a snow blower.  I’m not sure how she managed it but I went to the grocery store (I don’t remember it taking more than 20 minutes) and when I returned, there was this box in our garage.  It not only made me smile, it being a surprise from my wife, but I had never owned (or used) one before.
• She was always telling me she would become a “Carmel housewife” someday.  When we moved there, she felt she was getting too fat and unattractive.  I never said anything and always felt she was the same woman I married.
• She would always compliment me whenever I was outside chopping wood, especially if I was shirtless.  Vladimir eat your heart out!
• We held hands both in the car and while walking.
• We communicated throughout the day especially when we got cell phones (1998?).  Elizabeth had one too as we were on the “family plan”.

 

If she just let me know we wouldn’t have bought and built a home in Westfield even though we had to use my G.I. Bill and none of her credit to do it.  It would have been difficult but I never knew we both didn’t want the same thing.