Regrets

Yes.  We all have them.  It would be nice if in the game of life there were do-overs but that ain’t usually the case.  These are things I did or tried and the result didn’t exactly come out as expected.  Not all but some of these involved how I disciplined those I was responsible for.  It didn’t always work out the same way it did on The Rifleman (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051308/episodes) did it.

• Told on my brother to our mom that he was getting a five finger discount at a local department store.  He mostly had small radios (AM/FM?) or walkie talkies.  Yeah, these things were cool but my biggest concern was that he would be arrested, go to jail and screw up his life.  I guess my asking him to stop wasn’t going to work.  So I did the only thing that seemed left.  I told our mother.  And NO!  Going to the cops wasn’t an option.  I have no idea what the store said to her but I guess that was what steered her towards a private school.  Since Dane was about to go to college (Ursinus http://www.ursinus.edu/netcommunity/) and David was at Patton, I guess it was natural for me to follow.  Dane’s first year was also mine.  What I should have done is keep urging David of the error of his ways.  I hopefully would have broken through eventually.
• Within the first year of being in IN, money was taken off my dresser.  I don’t know how much or by whom.  Getting to the truth seemed like it should’ve been easy right?  As it involved more than one person, I used a similar method my father did except I didn’t make Liz or Lex stand at attention.  I just had the girls sit on the couch until I found out.  All I remember adding to the mix is that lying was not a good idea, especially when it concerned your mother, authority figures (relatives, teachers, police, etc.) and someone like me who has taken responsibility for them.  I finally found out it was Liz.  I never did find out what she needed the money for and even though we both had low-paying jobs, we did give her a weekly allowance.  (I went from almost $50K in CA to <$25K in IN.)  What I should have done (20/20 vision here) was ask and be ready to deal with not knowing and get an allowance going because obviously someone needed money.  Just do what we could no matter how meager.
• I found out that Liz would yell a lot.  I’m not talking tourette syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome) but I think it was some how part of her acting out.  She was after all 11, going on 12 (and 40!), a genius (we’re talking Mensa material (http://www.mensa.org/) and I’m not sure who had more smarts, her or Alexis) and I found out later, ADHD (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder) for which she took Ritalin and later on just birth control pills.  Then I found out both she and Alexis had photographic memories.  What a complex person she was!  What I did, not knowing all this but thinking it might help, is I talked to her in a very loud voice.  (Not yelling at her, just talking LOUDLY.)  I was hoping to show her what she sounded like to others 'cause I was hoping I sounded pretty ridiculous.  I only tried that once and not sure if it was as effective as I’d hoped.  What I should have done was let Liz vent in whatever way she felt she needed to and hope that eventually she would stop on her own.  Your realization is much more effective than if I force mine on you.
• When we moved to Zionsville in ‘05, we were having a family cookout.  Liz was there with her boyfriend from Chicago, David Shawl.  I first met him at our Westfield home (he came down 3 or 4 times), but for some reason, no matter how friendly I was to him, he seemed unappreciative.  When I would say hello or goodbye to him, he barely acknowledged me, if at all.  I was real concerned if Liz hadn’t found a lemon.  But I digress.  Earlier in the day I showed him how to use the DVR and the DVD.  I think I may have mentioned that you should be careful not to get your fingerprints on the shiny surface.  Liz might have even been there.  Later on I was outside, using the grill to cook up hot dogs and burgers.  After all, it was the 4th of July weekend!  I remember having difficulty standing for long periods (something I had never experienced before) and when I felt this way, my mind felt like it was in a fog.  The only comparison I can think of is when you are drunk, no matter how much you try to not be, you are still drunk.  Your mind stays fuzzy regardless of your best efforts.  Now that I’ve set the stage on how I was feeling, I went inside to see how everyone was doing.  They were enjoying my limited collection of DVDs and for some reason, after a few minutes, I got mad at Liz for not asking me if it was ok to watch them (which I actually didn’t care about).  I don’t remember what was said by anyone but I stormed out into the backyard.  I don’t remember if I had asked them to leave but I decided to drive to my in-laws to get away.  I remember as I was leaving I passed David in the front yard and told him he didn’t have to leave as I was.  I don’t think he acknowledged me but I was outta there so it didn’t matter.  They both went and spent the night at Michelle’s (a school chum of Alexis’) and returned the next day.  When I tried to apologize to David, he just blew me off by letting me know by his posture he wasn’t interested.  Then he said he wanted to get his wife (Liz went inside to say goodbye to her mom).  That really confused me and although my behavior was a lot less than stellar, I was really concerned what the relationship was between those two.  Certainly what he thought it was.  I found out later they weren’t married (so why did he say that?).  What I should have done is let things go on as they have than ruining the pleasant day for everyone as I probably did.
• During our first year in Zionsville, we had a lot of family visitors.  That was good ‘cause that was one reason we moved here.  How I felt (mentally) started to really change.  I was becoming easily irritated and had less and less self control.  Kandy came over one night to cry on her sister’s shoulder because her time with Brad was becoming difficult.  I don’t pretend to know all the ins and outs but I remember when she came to Westfield, Stephanie would comment to me afterwards how much she hated to hear all this.  I figure she just wanted it to end (the current relationship with Brad, I mean) rather than her getting comforted by sis when it was wanted or needed by Kandy.  Well, this night my wife had one of her usual migraines where she had to take a pill and go lie down, this time for a couple of hours.  Not twenty minutes after rising, Kandy showed up crying and they both went out back to talk about it.  I don’t know why it should’ve but it upset me.  My wife just got up from a bad headache, Kandy just showed up and she wanted to discuss a topic my wife was already past hearing about.  I percolated over all that for a while and then blew up at Kandy on the back porch, probably asking her to leave but I don’t remember what I said.  I don’t know why I interfered since it wasn’t any of my business to begin with.  Overprotective?  What I should have done is let them visit but I will say that my interaction seemed out of my control anyway.  I seemed to be watching it all from above (almost an out of body experience) and couldn’t believe how I was behaving.  Like I was watching a bad movie.  I went inside after my rant and sat on the couch.  I don’t think Kandy could see me but I sat there in disbelief over what just happened.