Saturday, July 30, 2011

Movies Reflective Of My State of Mind/Situation

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050539/ – My futility in slowing down or halting what is happening to me and no known cure.  Figures I would have that one.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0594063/ – No matter how much I need some, nobody wants to or can help

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0594437/ – Your fate awaits, no matter how much you’ve tried to help others

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109890/ – The frustration that Harold feels tied up in the hotel bathroom.  I guess so far I’ve been unable to resolve my pain the way he did

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068762/ – The role of the bald man (Robidoux), buried up to his neck in sand.  I am like that because I can see/hear the world going by but can’t interact much.  Like Stephen Hawkins I am trapped in my own body.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Regrets

Yes.  We all have them.  It would be nice if in the game of life there were do-overs but that ain’t usually the case.  These are things I did or tried and the result didn’t exactly come out as expected.  Not all but some of these involved how I disciplined those I was responsible for.  It didn’t always work out the same way it did on The Rifleman (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051308/episodes) did it.

  • Told on my brother to our mom that he was getting a five finger discount at a local department store.  He mostly had small radios (AM/FM?) or walkie talkies.  Yeah, these things were cool but my biggest concern was that he would be arrested, go to jail and screw up his life.  I guess my asking him to stop wasn’t going to work.  So I did the only thing that seemed left.  I told our mother.  And NO!  Going to the cops wasn’t an option.  I have no idea what the store said to her but I guess that was what steered her towards a private school.  Since Dane was about to go to college (Ursinus http://www.ursinus.edu/netcommunity/) and David was at Patton, I guess it was natural for me to follow.  Dane’s first year was also mine.  What I should have done is keep urging David of the error of his ways.  I hopefully would have broken through eventually.
  • Within the first year of being in IN, money was taken off my dresser.  I don’t know how much or by whom.  Getting to the truth seemed like it should’ve been easy right?  As it involved more than one person, I used a similar method my father did except I didn’t make Liz or Lex stand at attention.  I just had the girls sit on the couch until I found out.  All I remember adding to the mix is that lying was not a good idea, especially when it concerned your mother, authority figures (relatives, teachers, police, etc.) and someone like me who has taken responsibility for them.  I finally found out it was Liz.  I never did find out what she needed the money for and even though we both had low-paying jobs, we did give her a weekly allowance.  (I went from almost $50K in CA to <$25K in IN.)  What I should have done (20/20 vision here) was ask and be ready to deal with not knowing and get an allowance going because obviously someone needed money.  Just do what we could no matter how meager.
  • I found out that Liz would yell a lot.  I’m not talking tourette syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome) but I think it was some how part of her acting out.  She was after all 11, going on 12 (and 40!), a genius (we’re talking Mensa material (http://www.mensa.org/) and I’m not sure who had more smarts, her or Alexis) and I found out later, ADHD (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder) for which she took Ritalin and later on just birth control pills.  Then I found out both she and Alexis had photographic memories.  What a complex person she was!  What I did, not knowing all this but thinking it might help, is I talked to her in a very loud voice.  (Not yelling at her, just talking LOUDLY.)  I was hoping to show her what she sounded like to others 'cause I was hoping I sounded pretty ridiculous.  I only tried that once and not sure if it was as effective as I’d hoped.  What I should have done was let Liz vent in whatever way she felt she needed to and hope that eventually she would stop on her own.  Your realization is much more effective than if I force mine on you.
  • When we moved to Zionsville in ‘05, we were having a family cookout.  Liz was there with her boyfriend from Chicago, David Shawl.  I first met him at our Westfield home (he came down 3 or 4 times), but for some reason, no matter how friendly I was to him, he seemed unappreciative.  When I would say hello or goodbye to him, he barely acknowledged me, if at all.  I was real concerned if Liz hadn’t found a lemon.  But I digress.  Earlier in the day I showed him how to use the DVR and the DVD.  I think I may have mentioned that you should be careful not to get your fingerprints on the shiny surface.  Liz might have even been there.  Later on I was outside, using the grill to cook up hot dogs and burgers.  After all, it was the 4th of July weekend!  I remember having difficulty standing for long periods (something I had never experienced before) and when I felt this way, my mind felt like it was in a fog.  The only comparison I can think of is when you are drunk, no matter how much you try to not be, you are still drunk.  Your mind stays fuzzy regardless of your best efforts.  Now that I’ve set the stage on how I was feeling, I went inside to see how everyone was doing.  They were enjoying my limited collection of DVDs and for some reason, after a few minutes, I got mad at Liz for not asking me if it was ok to watch them (which I actually didn’t care about).  I don’t remember what was said by anyone but I stormed out into the backyard.  I don’t remember if I had asked them to leave but I decided to drive to my in-laws to get away.  I remember as I was leaving I passed David in the front yard and told him he didn’t have to leave as I was.  I don’t think he acknowledged me but I was outta there so it didn’t matter.  They both went and spent the night at Michelle’s (a school chum of Alexis’) and returned the next day.  When I tried to apologize to David, he just blew me off by letting me know by his posture he wasn’t interested.  Then he said he wanted to get his wife (Liz went inside to say goodbye to her mom).  That really confused me and although my behavior was a lot less than stellar, I was really concerned what the relationship was between those two.  Certainly what he thought it was.  I found out later they weren’t married (so why did he say that?).  What I should have done is let things go on as they have than ruining the pleasant day for everyone as I probably did.
  • During our first year in Zionsville, we had a lot of family visitors.  That was good ‘cause that was one reason we moved here.  How I felt (mentally) started to really change.  I was becoming easily irritated and had less and less self control.  Kandy came over one night to cry on her sister’s shoulder because her time with Brad was becoming difficult.  I don’t pretend to know all the ins and outs but I remember when she came to Westfield, Stephanie would comment to me afterwards how much she hated to hear all this.  I figure she just wanted it to end (the current relationship with Brad, I mean) rather than her getting comforted by sis when it was wanted or needed by Kandy.  Well, this night my wife had one of her usual migraines where she had to take a pill and go lie down, this time for a couple of hours.  Not twenty minutes after rising, Kandy showed up crying and they both went out back to talk about it.  I don’t know why it should’ve but it upset me.  My wife just got up from a bad headache, Kandy just showed up and she wanted to discuss a topic my wife was already past hearing about.  I percolated over all that for a while and then blew up at Kandy on the back porch, probably asking her to leave but I don’t remember what I said.  I don’t know why I interfered since it wasn’t any of my business to begin with.  Overprotective?  What I should have done is let them visit but I will say that my interaction seemed out of my control anyway.  I seemed to be watching it all from above (almost an out of body experience) and couldn’t believe how I was behaving.  Like I was watching a bad movie.  I went inside after my rant and sat on the couch.  I don’t think Kandy could see me but I sat there in disbelief over what just happened.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Blessed In Aging–A Prayer

A sweet lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of "Home Instead" care givers, and she brought down the house about 90 seconds into her prayer. Enjoy!  http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-the-best-medicine/

Blessed In Aging

~Esther Mary Walker

Blessed are they who understand

My faltering step and shaking hand

Blessed, who know my ears today

Must strain to hear the things they say.

Blessed are those who seem to know

My eyes are dim and my mind is slow

Blessed are those who look away

When I spilled tea that weary day.

Blessed are they who, with cheery smile

Stopped to chat for a little while

Blessed are they who know the way

To bring back memories of yesterday.

Blessed are those who never say

“You’ve told that story twice today”

Blessed are they who make it known

That I am loved, respected and not alone.

And blessed are they who will ease the days

Of my journey home, in loving ways.

I’m also going to try to see if they can provide any care for me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

It Didn’t Help But I Wish It Had Been Different

When I was a kid, watching our first color TV, I would usually sit closest so when the color would pop out, I was the one who would hit the side of the TV to bring it back.  Now I didn’t always know when it would pop out so David would get my attention (I’ll let you use your imagination as to how my one-year older brother did that).  I thought the color was funny too.  It looked fake and when it was just B&W, it looked normal to me.  I said so but I was usually laughed at.  I found out when I joined the AF, that I was considered color blind.  Actually I am color deficient.  I found out I didn’t have as many rods or cones as most folks.  This site shows how the test works http://www.toledo-bend.com/colorblind/Ishihara.asp.  Now I can see the 25 but I don’t see any of the others.  When I was in line waiting for the test, I had no idea what I was being tested for.  I tried to see what everyone ahead of me was doing but standing around in your underwear doesn’t really lend to a lot of conversation.  When it was my turn the tester said “what’s that say?”  When I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, he flipped the card and asked again.  Now I at least knew what to look at but all I saw were a bunch of colored circles.  He flipped again and now I saw a number.  When he flipped again, no number.  He then told me that I was color blind and because of that didn’t qualify for certain jobs.  Even pumping gas!  (They color it you know.) 

Now I can see color, but certain colors under certain lighting conditions, are either light or dark, meaning they all look the same.  I guess that’s why my dark blue, black and green socks would get mixed up if I matched them and not my mom.  Now if I hold them under a lamp I would be ok but I didn’t know that for a lot of years.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I Got Skills Baby!

I always had an aptitude and thirst for learning.  I think, like most, if I was interested in the subject the faster I would learn and the more I would want to know more. 

Typist – I taught myself how one year during high school when I was bored (finally had some training 10 years later but at that time just typed the page from top to bottom) but it sure came in handy when I was looking for a job when I really needed something.

Driver – I drove about 200,000 (or more) the first few years I had a license. I think I got good driving and could drive just about anything up to a semi.  There were even times when I would steer with one knee.  I would always keep my eye on the road tho.  Well, one time I broke that rule eyeing a pretty girl but I was going fairly slow (15mph?) and the cadillac several car lengths in front of me shouldn’t have a need to stop as there’s no left turn.  Was I wrong!  I think he was checking out the same pretty girl!

Security Guard – Although this was my main job in the USAF, I never really wanted to do it again. I was watchful anywhere I went but I never wanted to be paid solely for this again.

Exterminator – Only doing this for six months showed me I didn’t want to do it any longer. I didn’t want to smell those chemicals again or work for any company that thought ripping off their customers was funny.

Handy Man – When it was my job in Oakland, I hated it. When I started doing it for myself and others, I loved it. Kind of like raking leaves at Patton. I never built a home from scratch but felt I could repair anything. If I didn’t know it already, I would learn it.

Locksmith – I took a mail order course (this was the late 70’s) that opened my eyes to how locks worked that even I could understand.  This know how helped me out more than once when a key wasn’t available.  What we had been shown on TV all these years became a joke.

Computer Repairman – Eventually I could build one or troubleshoot any issue.  Some job opportunities I had in IN sure helped me pull it all together.

I always wanted a work space/bench and work with wood and maybe metals.  Furniture, bird/dog houses and whatever was needed along the way.  I not only envisioned myself doing this around the house but , if I actually turned out a good piece, would maybe sell something from time to time.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The Death Of Caylee Marie Anthony - The Trial of Casey

I may not be right about all this but I think it’s close.  The only way to know the whole truth is if it’s revealed by someone from or all of the Anthony family, but here’s what I believe right now as the facts have been presented the past few weeks:

Casey Marie, saw her good life fading away day-by-day as she discovered she had a growing child on her hands.  Caylee was no longer the little bundle of joy she brought home from the hospital.  She was growing into a young person capable of telling others what her mother is up to.  Her ability to just pawn her off to relatives was not as easy as it used to be.  Don’t get me wrong.  Everyone still loved Caylee as much as ever but Casey may have been asked by others “Why don’t you take her tonight?  Don’t you think she would rather be with her mother instead?”  Or words to that effect.  She was also seeing her young, single, unencumbered friends and yearned for what she thought they had.  It became clear to Casey what a burden she had.  Where she first got Xanax or the idea to even try it may never be known.  At some point she saw that she could still party and her baby, unconscious out in her car, would be no trouble.  When the Xanax ran out, what could she use?  She’d heard of or read that chloroform can be used to render a person unconscious.  She even found out how to make it from the internet.

How long she used this method is not known.  But at some point she used too much and/or Caylee’s breathing was halted because of maybe how she was laying (like new mothers who want to sleep with their newborns and roll over on them, suffocating them).  She probably died in the trunk.  She was either left in there for a period of time until she started to smell or was transported in this car while she was, for a time, kept elsewhere (backyard?).

At some point, George found out what Casey was doing (or had done depending on when he found out).  After Caylee was dead, George, with his policeman’s background, decided to cover up this accident (maybe because he wasn’t sure if a jury  would believe them, again based on his real life experiences) and used tape to cover her mouth which goes along with the abduction theory (not an accident made to look like murder but to make it look like an abduction) – making it look like the abductors were keeping her quiet.  (It was applied after she died.)  Was a heart found on the duct tape?  Who knows (hopefully the FBI has changed their policies and take pictures of any development when they are viewing evidence) and who cares as this is not germane to the case.

Why was her body put in the swamp and not just a dumpster or somewhere else and who put the body there?  Maybe George as it keeps Caylee close to home and hopefully her body won’t be found for some time, at least long enough for another story to develop that points away from Casey.

Why would George be part of this cover up?  He had already lost his granddaughter and didn’t want to now lose his daughter.  Like with the suicide attempt, possibly having an extramarital affair and helping with this cover up, his state of mind which was pretty fragile.

Cindy didn’t find out what had really happened to Caylee until later, possibly not until George’s attempted suicide.

Did George have an intimate relationship?  Maybe but this has nothing to do with Casey’s case and has more to do with the mindset of Skye Benhaida and George.  Seems like this is a personal matter between George, Skye Benhaida and Cindy.

What Verdict Should Be

Guilty - Involuntary Manslaughter of a child and failure to report/cover up same; Child Neglect/Endangerment; Lying to and misleading officers of the court

Other Charges Yet to be Levied:

Cindy – Perjury – lied on stand to doing internet search instead of Casey

George – Co-conspirator to cover up of Caylee’s death

José Biaz – disbarred/fined/censured - said in opening he was going to introduce evidence, which he didn’t, about sexual abuse by George and Lee