Like with everything in life, you just can’t go back and have a do over as much as you would like to. I guess I was depending on something too much that I probably shouldn’t have. The friendship I thought I had with my wife would get me through the unknown things I would encounter in this new life I thought I was carving out for myself and those who were to become a part of it.
What I knew I would need the most help with was her family. I had never met or even heard of her Indiana family except through the letters she wrote the preceding year. I had met her daughters for about 20 seconds in 1988 in Tucson on a vacation I took there as they went off to bed. They probably don’t even remember much about me as they were sleepy and we just said Hi. I didn’t see them again (or Stephanie and Gary) for almost 5 years. At the time I sure wasn’t expecting I ever would and if I did, when or under what circumstances.
I guess since I had stepped off a pretty deep precipice I had the faith and belief that whatever I didn’t understand would be explained to me as we went along and we would go from there. If anyone, especially her kids, ever felt they couldn’t say something to me directly, they would’ve at least said something to their mother and then she and I could talk it over and decide how to proceed. That certainly rarely happened, or at least a lot less than I thought it would. What I thought was going on was that she and I were on the same page and that she agreed with pretty much everything I was saying or doing and if that was not the case that we would talk about it. We certainly talked about a lot of things, her family being a big part.
I left my family and friends hanging. I’m sure my decision to not just marry but move to Indiana! must have come out of the blue to all of them. Not only did I believe she loved me but this move was an answer to a prayer. I was unsure about my future – I wanted more training on computers as well as the network (Banyan); I seemed to not be up to speed on many things I should and my boss was a micromanager. (I really liked everyone at HEWM though.) I didn’t know what I was going to do. I wasn’t happy being alone. I felt I would be a good husband and father if I ever got the chance.
I hadn’t meant to but I must have burned all my bridges too. I didn’t communicate with my family and friends as much as I probably should have. I smiled when I would get a birthday or Christmas card from anyone but I didn’t act on it for what I see now was a very stupid reason: jealously. I had a picture of my friends (the girls I worked with at HEWM or came to my reception at my mother’s house (I really didn’t have any guy friends, except for my ex-boss’ husband Reg who I rode motorcycles with sometimes and Lawrence, who married a dear friend of mine I met at T&T and who became a dear friend in spite of what I was feeling)) Barbara, Laura, Heidy and Lillian, everyone exclaimed how pretty they were.
In past relationships, if another woman came into the picture for any reason, I would get berated. I guess I didn’t want my wife to think I had unfinished business in CA (even though I sort of did – but maybe a post for another time) so I would just smile and not make a big deal. I see now I should’ve been responding, refreshing those bonds, instead of thinking that friendships were like the plates those Chinese acrobats on Ed Sullivan got spinning – once you were a friend … well you’re certainly always someone you know but just stay in touch will ya!
